Continuous Refining

Most of the time I stray from really sharing the depths of my heart on here. For a few reasons, I think. One, missionary women are supposed to be like super-women right? I can’t let the world know the petty things I struggle with. Two, when I start sharing I feel like writing turns fluffy- like I’m trying to be a professional blogger or something (does anyone else secretly wish they were as eloquent as Kisses From Katie??). Three, it’s kind of weird to sharing the ugliness of my heart on cyberspace. Nonetheless, I find encouragement through other believers’ blogs often and I pray the Lord can use my ramblings to do the same. Besides, it’s a truly beautiful things to look back on the places God has brought us from. One of my favorite thigns to do is read through old journal entries. I could spend an entire day reading them. Sometimes I’m brought to my knees, filled with gratitude for the Lord’s grace. Sometiems I’m ashamed that I’m really still struggling with the same stupid sin. But overall it’s like seeing my own story of redemption unfold before my eyes. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that this blog can have much the same effect when I Josh and look back at old posts months down the road and see how far the Lord has taken us. So for memory’s sake, I’m sharing these things the Lord has taught me recently.

He’s taught me so much lately I really don’t know if I can keep up! I’ve heard and read that the more mature a Christ-follower becomes the farther they see themselves from the Christ they’re following. Surely this must be true. Lately it is as if I have been seeing my sin through a magnifying glass. Do I really even love Jesus? Of course only after I’ve acted like a child and shown my true colors do I allow myself to feel the Spirit’s conviction and repent. Before my eyes are opened to my sinfulness, I can only see how wrong is every other person. It’s dreadful, really, to see your sin in all it’s glory. To see how incredibly vast is the gap that stands between me and my Creator. But in those moments when I really see my sinfulness, I can also see the size of the cross. It becomes magnified above all else. My shameful sin is covered in the blood of Jesus. It no longer separates my from my Father. My shame has been taken! And then I find myself rejoicing. These are the moments when the Word of God comes alive in my life. Instead of drowning in the despair of ‘what-ifs’ and complaining about my current situation, the simple words in the Bible turn the direction of my heart. I’ve found myself worrying about some headaches and other weird health problems I’ve experienced lately. What if it’s dengue fever? What if I have to visit a hospital here? But yesterday as I read how sweet Mary gave birth to the Savior in a manger for crying out loud, I was reminded that there are no what-ifs in God’s Kingdom. Jesus was born in a stable, probably not Mary’s first choice of location, and His story is perfect in every way. God’s plans are perfect. They are good and cannot be thwarted. I found a new sense of trust in Him. The next day I cried over a messed up flower bed. “Our house isn’t homey” I cried as Josh was working out front. And to me he was only making it worse. Ridiculous, I know. But in the moment I felt like my very womanhood was at stake. But God reminded me that marriage, ministry, homemaking, even one day motherhood; they’re all fleeting. But Jesus is a sure foundation. I can’t look any further than His face for real fulfillment.

O how my Savior refines me. It seems like an endless cycle, this life of self-centered sin followed by repentace and growth. He uses headaches, a dengue fever scare, a messed up little flower bed, and every little detail of my life to refine me. He replaces worry with hope, despair with joy, frustration with peace. His mercies are new every day.

"Therefore since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. 
Hebrews 12:1-2

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
Philippians 1:6

Love, Autumn