Some of you may not know, but Isaiah was born via caesarean section. For me, that is the farthest thing from an ideal birth. I had planned and prepped for a natural, normal birth for months and was crushed when due to a series of events it didn't happen. It took me weeks to accept the reality of surgery and I still feel the pangs of regret from time to time. Emotional recovery was literally much more difficult for me than physical recovery. So...in the early weeks of motherhood I have spent a lot of time processing and I want to share with you a few things that God has spoken. Now, I know birth and the like does not relate to most of you reading this; however, the truths of God do so please feel free to continue reading. To the birth-weary males, I assure you it doesn't get weird :)
1. I learned a lesson in humility. We stayed in the hospital for 4 days while I recovered and I literally could do nothing for myself. I wasn't even allowed to raise my head off the bed for the first 8 hours. Josh was such a servant to me and I could do nothing more than receive his help. I had to swallow every ounce of pride as he cleaned our room, changed Isaiah's diapers, hosted our visitors, etc. He did everything with such grace and compassion that I think I got a tiny, tiny taste of what it must have felt like for the disciples to have their feet washed by Jesus. In that helpless state, I saw how helpless I really am in the grand scheme of life. I utterly need Jesus to do everything for me. So I bow down and let Him do in me what only He can do. As much as I want to do things for myself, I'll destroy myself if I as much as lift my head to do it. I must be humble and let Jesus lead.
2. I experienced firsthand the love of the family of God. We were the first American patients at Aurora Memorial Hospital. Being the only outsiders can sometimes make us feel lonely, or at least misunderstood. But as person after person flooded in and out of our room to visit us, we felt like we were known. And completely understood. We had SO many visitors from our church who came to visit us and meet Isaiah. It was such an honor to see their love for all three of us. They brought food and gifts and so much laughter. We took endless pictures. More than ever in the Philippines I felt like we were part of one big family. They consider us their own and it's a great privilege. I was honored by their hospitality and we could never repay. It reminded me of the Kingdom of God and how we're all one big family. What a privilege.
3. I am learning to trust the Lord with Isaiah, more than theoretically. Josh and I committed Isaiah to the Lord throughout my pregnancy, but that's a lot easier to do when you're not holding a crying baby at 2am with spit-up coming out of his NOSE. (Why does no one tell parents-to-be all the scary things newborns can do? ha) It's a daunting thing to be in charge of a small human. Am I feeding him enough? Too much? Is he hot? Did I wash his hands after that kid touched him? The list goes on. Thus, God has reminded me time and time again that we are to steward Isaiah well, but ultimately our son belongs to Him. It is so good to rest in and trust the sovereignty of God. I'm reading the allegory Hinds' Feet on High Places right now and I loved this excerpt on trust as the shepherd speaks to his servant:
"You have one real beauty, Much-Afraid, you have such trustful eyes. Trust is one of the
most beautiful things in the world. When I look at the trust in your eyes I find you more
beautiful to look upon than many a lovely queen."
4. I saw power in fighting Satan's lies with God's truth. I learned early on in Trek-X a valuable lesson about discerning the voice of Satan vs. the voice of God. Jesus said 'my sheep know my voice' and I've had to learn to recognize my Shepherd's voice, but also to recognize that Satan is deceitful and disguises himself to be like my Shepherd. The mind is a powerful thing and it must be guarded. Praise God for my husband who reminded me of this over and over in those early days as I coped with my c-section. Anytime I got alone, I could feel my head flood with thoughts and emotions that were hard to bear. Satan said I was a failure. God said a baby coming into the world is not failure. Satan said my doctor stole natural birth from me. God said even if she did, forgive her. And choose to believe that she did what she really believed was best for us. Satan said my preparation for natural birth was a waste. God said He was pleased with my work for preparing for the assignment He'd given me. Satan said Isaiah missed out on the benefits of natural birth. God said He is Isaiah's Maker and He can provide what he needs, always. The scar of surgery is much more than cosmetic and it's something I'll be accepting for a while but I feel equipped as I fight the enemy as a child of God.
5. Most recently I've been learning acceptance with joy. As motherhood becomes my new normal I'm finding that my days mostly consist of ordinary, mundane, sometimes boring, often gross tasks. This can wear on a woman after a while. I begin to wonder if I'll ever sleep again or ever get a morning quiet time to myself or take a shower without the sound of crying in the other room. I'm learning a whole stinking lot about selflessness. Want to see how much you value your time? Become a parent. Sometimes it seems like I look up and my whole day is gone. I wonder "What in the world did I do today?" It's easy to let myself think that daily tasks of a mama are somehow less honorable than the tasks of a missionary wife without a baby. But the most freeing thing I've learned in these two months is that my ordinary, mundane, sometimes boring, often gross tasks can actually bring glory to God. I'm learning to honor God with my attitude and not just my actions. I'm learning to accept my new role and thrive in it. And with acceptance comes great peace and joy.
The Last 2 Months at a Glance
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